Thursday, December 08, 2005

Does a Blog Exist If No One Reads It?

Alone I sit. All day. All night.

Some days I hear a noise and think it will finally be the day, but its not, it never is.

My neighbor is always busy. I hear chatter all day and all night about whether the greatest TV moment was this or that. There are always people opening and closing and writing and arguing – Me Nothing.

I have waited and waited, but no one has cared enough about me to come. I remember a while back there was talk of money deals and Google ads – oh a Google ad, then you’ve really made it – but no one cares anymore. I know there will be no Google ads and most likely no money.

Well it is time to stand up for myself because if not me then who will? Truth be told I am doing this because I heard laughing next door and I know the other sites were laughing at me – pointing and laughing. I heard them say, “Since no one reads him, does he exist?” That’s right the other Blogs have the nerve to laugh at me and question my existence. But don’t they? The more I thought about it the more I realized if I continue like this I really won’t exist.

So please, pretty please, allow me to exist. Give me the Freedom, the energy to go to my neighbors with a smile on my face and state out loud – I am LOCI – HEREIN and I do exist!! My writers love me and cherish me and once again remember the happy times I brought them. Let us congregate and discuss the real issues; why we hate Lenny or Is Yitsi really worth the air he takes up.

LOCI - HEREIN

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

A call to arms: Mass mailing the mass mailers!

Fellow recipients of junk mail the time has come to launch a holy crusade against the NO ANNUAL FEE, 0% introductory interest rate for Six months an all balances credit card company mailings. These wasteful and deceptive mailings serve no purpose other than to annoy me and make a mess on my floor because I refuse to pick them up.

Today as I walked in my door and saw tens of these obnoxious things on the floor- a grand idea came to me. I decided I would open them up and fill the postage paid reply envelope with everything they had sent me, including the original envelope. So I opened it ripped off all pages that had my name, so as to avoid a retaliatory massive influx of mail, and proceed to fill it up with each piece of paper they had sent me. As I was finishing the first one, I noticed that I had some subway coupons so included them. I think I just made someone's day over at Chase Bank.

The next envelope included relevant pages from a dell catalogue, a business card for a local Gardener and some coupons from some other junk mail. Over the next 15 minutes, I noticed my floor becoming cleaner as much of the junk mail was being stuffed into these reply envelopes.

Thus I call on all of you to send back the envelopes, stuff them if you wish or mail them back empty. Simply just mail them back.


If enough people do this the costs of this nuisance will be raised to intolerable levels through (I)increased postage the companies will have to pay, this helps the postage workers;
(ii) each of these envelopes has to be opened which means someone will be hired to do it, thus providing employment;
(iii) it is environmentally friendly that way the company can reuse things that are sent back. (and who said i would never do something for mother earth?!)





- The evil genius.


Feel free to post how many and to whom you sent them in the comment section.

Please do not violate any laws by sending anything offensive, illegal, or disgusting. Stick to things you have received in the mail. (basically just paper- with nothing offensive on it).

A salute to law students....

Today we salute you stressed out law student. As you sit at your desk, doped up on red bull and a variety of meds, legal and not, you think to yourself, was law school really the right decision?

The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times and read all the away messages. Espn and Cnn have nothing new to offer and the refreash button on your browers is all but worn out.

Summer break is non-existent, a break is far away, and your adderall or coke prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold bud light, because for most of us the first free day we get will be spent in a rehab facility...

Goodnight, and live well.

Yits.
ps. much of this post is owed to Mr. "Crusher03" a good man with Charlie Brown like qualities who also doubles as a gentleman and scholar .

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Inevitable!

Why?!?!?

During this time of year there is something that always comes up. You hope it never arrives, yet comes quickly and wish it passed quickly, yet never seems to leave. Humanity has done so much during this time for so many, yet we have never bothered to put our minds on this. They have created gluten free, hand-made, and machine-made, they have even sold pre-broken and miniscule-pieces. With all the geniuses in this world they have never created non-constipating Matzo?!?!?!?!?!

Every year without a doubt that second day of Pessach I will be walking to shul wondering when it will all come out. I have at this point consumed enough food to feed the recently anointed fattest 1B of all-time Cecil Fielder (see Page 2 ESPN.com), but for some reason it just keeps building up. Well during this time of questions I ask WHY?

Why must we eat this food that stuffs us up for eight days?
Why can we not create a Matzo that lets us Poo when we want?
Why can my girlfriend get her stupid Spelt Matzo and we are stuck wondering when the next poo will be?

You see I give respect to our fellow Jews who wanted to make sure they did not waste time leaving slavery - therefore the bread did not rise and they kept themselves from craping themselves by making constipating Matzo. But what is our excuse now?

What is our excuse now?

Remember - when you feel alone and depressed think of Lenny and have a smile

The Hersh
www.perlisparadise.com

Our Triumphant Return

First, let me apologize to our loyal readers about our lack of keeping current. The contributors of Loci-Herein humbly apologize for this lapse is our usual scathing social commentary, satire of the mundane, sarcasm and general legalese gibberish from yitsi. Anyway, we are now back, and hope to again fill your screens with useless information, and our own personal rants that are only amusing to our close circle of friends.

Second, let me relate the story as to why we have been out of touch for so long.
Due to some "unforseen unpleasantness" with some unsavoury "business partners",
it was necessary for the contributors of this blog to leave the country for a few weeks. Unfortunately, I cannot go into more detail due to the death vendetta we are currently under. However let me say, that we enjoyed our time in Mexico and appreciated the hospitality of the local merchants, especially the people who filled our days with sports activities (tequila volleyball) and stimulating conversation (thank you, britney and shitney).

Anyway, we are now back home, have sorted out all immigration issues and are once again ready to spew forth nonsense ont he general public. As an FYI, keep an eye out for our tell all book coming in spring 2008, tentatively titled:
"Shades of Complete Insanity" -How to do everything wrong and still come out alright.

and now for a brief listing of the top ten things we learned while on our self-imposed exile in Mexico.

10. You can be cut off at a bar at an all-inclusive hotel.
9. The death of Terri Schiavo and the Pope was a major buzzkill
8. Mexico has the highest level of tractor factories per capita than any other country. The country itself has a tractor factor of 6.
7. 1987 was a very good year (think about it)
6. middle aged women from toronto want a little bit of lenny in them
5. a pizza delivery motorbike is a great alternative to a taxi
4. do not eat bananas and peanut butter before going deep sea fishing
3. girls named megan from southeast lousiana, while promising to stay in touch, never do
2. if you get sunburnt, your skin will peel off in massive pieces
1. eating soup while it is 90 degrees outside is a great idea

see you on the other side,

lenford

VERIZON- and the death of my cell phone.

I put it on the charger one night.
and woke up and it was off. Strange I thought.
So I turned it on, and LO and BEHOLD magic.
The only thing that was displayed "Service required".

In my limited wisdom, I tried to dial * six one one
and yell at a Verizon.
but, you see they are too smart for me.
My phone would not dial anything.

So I went to the Verizon store to take advantage of the "Worry Free Guarantee".
let me tell you about this so called Worry Free Guaranty- it is not worry free nor a guarantee.

The lovely, lady behind the counter said,
in the most non caring of ways,
that all I could get is a new- refurbished phone (which is not really new at all) for $65.
And if that was not enough she could "not guarantee" that my contacts would be ported over to this new-old phone.

And so we starred at each other, an intense stare.
My eyebrow quivered a little bit, my upper lip trembled under the pressure
the cascading torrent of four letter adjectives about to come pouring from my mouth in a relentless fashion.

I bit my lip and said " thank you but I am going to switch to Cingular" and walked away.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Morals- Holmes would be pissed

Here are some thoughts on the law and morality- semi serious topic. lighter stuff to follow later.

Holmes says “nothing but confusion of thought can result from assuming that the rights of man in a moral sense are equally rights in the sense of the Constitution and the law." (P. 141 supplement).

Holmes also says “The prophecies of what the courts will do in fact, and nothing more pretentious, are what I mean by the law."

The law is not about grafting morals and values on to society until the end of time. It is not about fighting injustice. It is about what the courts will do when faced with a binary decision between Plaintiff (Prosecution) or Defendant. Our function as lawyers is to try and predict the prophecy and influence it in one direction or another, depending on who is footing our bill.

This brings me to Aiken's law review article.

The study of justice and injustice is not a legal study it is an exercise in philosophy, something that Plato sat around thinking and pondering about. Justice is an artificial human construct to do with right and wrong. The law is something that allows us to live in communities peaceably and it has to do with permissible (legal) and impermissible (illegal). As Holmes infers above, something illegal is not always morally wrong and something legal is not morally right.

Justice is easily changed, differs from person to person, but the law applies to us all. Each person may have a sense of justice (some people may not), but all are equally bound to the law. I am not saying that the law and justice do not over lap or coincide, but they function independently of each other. Today it is illegal to kill another person, tomorrow who knows? But on both days it remains an injustice, at least to me. The law has nothing to do with morals, I, for one, refuse to put the "law" on such a pedestal to give it divine power. It is a human construct subject to mistakes, change, and revision.

As for social justice, people are free to attempt to graft their views onto society and I support that. These Social Change Provocateurs should not however, delude themselves into thinking that they are codifying a universal truth. They are grafting onto others their view of social justice, if that view passes the muster test of congress or the judicial system it becomes law. But as soon as it is law, it loses it moral flavor, it becomes as benign as tax statutes, some arbitrary thing (rule) all will follow because it is law (the courts will hurt them if they do not), not because it is the right thing to do. However, to those who want to do so, I think it would be more productive to attempt change with the other branches of government, not the judiciary.

Yits. Out.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

An idea worth passing on

Finally! I am sure you all recognize this language "USER AGREEMENT

PLEASE READ THIS USER AGREEMENT AND THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE USING THIS SITE. Your use of this site is expressly conditioned on your acceptance of the following terms and conditions. By using this site, you signify your assent to these terms and conditions. If you do not agree with any part of the following terms and conditions, you must not use this site."

Admit it you read it and ignore it along with everything else that comes after it. After all it is all legal gobbly-goop, a bunch words strung together to make some lawyer somewhere happy. In fact even if you have no life and decide to read it you probably aren't going to understand that indeed you are about sign over your first born child, all the sperm from your left testicle (if female all eggs in your right ovary), and your cowboy boots. Most importantly somewhere in there it is going to say that the webstie people are not responsible for anything- I think this is best descibed as the "hooker's warranty"- you put your member in here at your own risk, the garage owner is not responsible or liable for damage resulting from use.

well these folks are out to change the internet (not the hooker's)- go suppor them http://www.fairterms.org/

yits.
I hearby disclaim any damage done to your intellect from continued reading of any shit that I write.

Serious legal schoalrship.

The following is serious legal scholarship for those that are interested. As for our recent lack of posts on the state of the universe, please send all blame to lenford, I hold him personally responsible.
god save the queen-bee, 'cause without her there is no honey.
yits.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I wish my grandparents were this cool

78-year-old woman faces charges over marijuana stashed in freezer
01/03/2005 12:06:00 AM


DANVILLE, W.Va. (AP) - A 78-year-old woman faces drug charges and authorities are searching for her 72-year-old boyfriend after police found about a half-kilogram of marijuana stashed in a freezer on her property
State police arrested Mollie Williams last week after responding to a dispute between her granddaughter and the granddaughter's husband, who were arguing over drugs. Police learned the man allegedly had bought marijuana from Williams, state police Cpl. Larry O'Bryan said Monday.

Armed with a search warrant and a drug-sniffing dog, troopers went to Williams' residence near Danville. The dog led troopers to a freezer in an outbuilding where the marijuana, worth an estimated $4,000 US, was hidden under frozen meat and other food, O'Bryan said.

Williams was jailed and later released on $15,000 bond. Her live-in boyfriend, Jack White, who was recovering from heart bypass surgery, was given the opportunity to turn himself in but failed to do so, authorities said. He remained at large Monday.

"They appear to be the typical grandma and grandpa individuals. However, they sell marijuana," O'Bryan said.

The granddaughter was charged with possession of marijuana and released on bond.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Treatment of Sperm

This post will detail some of the differences between the way American and Canadian jurisprudence deals with male ejaculate, affectionately known as semen or spunk.

The difference is that Americans treat spunk as a something that is given as a gift and Canadians see it as a weapon capable of inflicting emotional and physical harm. The following cases illustrate this difference.

In Chicago, a man sued his former lover who "secretly kept his sperm after oral sex and used it to get pregnant". The court ruled that he had delivered his sperm and as such it was a "gift" that she could use as she saw fit. Notice that no intercourse was had.

In Canada, the relevant case is R v. A.B. In that case the accused AB and the complainant HR were "romantically related". On a particular evening they were in HR residence and in her bed. And at some point AB ejaculated onto HR face. AB was subsequently charged with assault.

Now stepping back and taking stock, in one case make ejaculate was a gift and in other a weapon used to inflict physical and emotional harm. Also note that in both cases the ejaculate occured on the facial area.

I think this difference in jurisprudential views is a direct result of the weather difference; in those cold Canadian winters the lower temperature leads to increased viscosity of the spunk. The relatively heavier mass makes it more dangerous and as such its' classification as a weapon.

yits.
relevant links and info:
1.
2003 ABPC 180
2. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/02/24/sperm/index.html

Monday, February 28, 2005

Goodnight Sweet Prince

My friends, I come to you this evening with some sad news. It is with great difficulty I write everyone today to inform you of the death of my good friend and companion of 10 years, Flaveous the Turtle.

For those of you who never were fortunate enough to meet Flave and experience the love possible between a man and his reptile, let me share a little about him with yall. Flave enjoyed sleeping, eating, and swimming. He also found much adventure and excitement in escaping from his tank and hiding all through out my apartment. There were countless times we'd find him behind the couch, under the toilet, or even wedged between the dresser his tank sat on and the wall - suspended in mid air because he took a dive out of his tank on the wrong side. There was even a time he made it out the door of my apartment and, feeling as fearless as ever, crawled off the walkway taking a 14 ft fall on to the concrete below. One of his proudest moments, I am sure we can all agree.

We found Flave at the bottom of his tank lying in peace and put him in a modest box along with one of his favorite toys. Accompanied by my friend Yitsi, we took his remains and buried him in the rocks overlooking the Hudson River as New Jersey glistened off in the distance.

Flave is succeeded by the 3 fish that I had put in his tank for him to eat while I was away in Texas and now find myself having to care and buy fish food for, Hersh, Nathan, and Tatonka.

Shiva will not be observed because Flave was a Buddhist, but donations can be made to the New York State Turtle Fund.

Eternal life V. Meaning of life

A key issue in all vampire movies is whether the immortal can live a meaningful life. Luckily for you Loci-Herein readers, I the magnificent Yitsi have come up with a method to live as long as one desires without having to resort to sucking blood, living at night, and sleeping in coffins.

In order to live for as long as you want, you need to firmly believe in the following:
1. That there is a God or some higher omnipotent being.
2. That he/She/It designed the world and each and every aspect of it has a purpose.
3. Since all things have a purpose, each person has a purpose.
4. If the being is omnipotent then the world as a whole must be perfect.
5. If the world is perfect and we each have a purpose, then we cannot be removed from the world before accomplishing said purpose.

Logically, based on these five simple and powerful deductions, as long as you DO NOT complete your purpose then you cannot be removed. This is because the world will cease to be perfect and that is not possible because it was created by a perfect being. SO my prescription for this is to procrastinate. In fact, I figure the less one does then the more one has left to do, this coupled with the progress of technology, would suggest that the longer one waits, the easier it will be to accomplish whatever it is one is waiting to do.

The other key thing is to find out what your purpose is in life. For this I recommend a quick a googol search, since you get at least 24 million hits. By the time you finish reading these at a leisurely pace, you will certainly have lived a nice and full life, and discovered many interesting things on the internet.

Happy reading,
Yits.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

T-shirts

I have concluded that there is nothing more entertaining then t-shirts. This conclusion is based on no research or information at all, rather it is a thought put into my head by the little people (there is more to come on them later). I have also decided that if I think it and believe it, then whatever "it" is must be true. So then in this case "it" is "t-shirts are good". As such, the following 15 minutes must be dedicated to the pursuit of t-shirts.

Along this line of thought, I have also figured that making your own t-shirts, is better then free t-shirts, which is better then buying t-shirts, which is better then finding t-shirts. Therefore, in honor of a trip to Mexico, which will hopefully occur soon during some up coming vacation time, I plan to create the following t-shirts:

1. Will say "please bring me a taco"
2. Will say "please refill the tequila iv bag"
3. Will say "please empty my catheter."
and then a hat saying "please resuscitate"

I figure that is all the communication one needs on the beach in Mexico. The rest can be done by pointing, stripping, and grunting.
If I am missing anything (kinds of t-shirts or method of communication) please let me know in the comments section, as information is the key to this world and I feel locked out.

Thanks,
Yits.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

State of the Blog

Loyal readers, commentators, contributors, and objects of our scorn;

The time has come to reflect on the past few weeks. This blog had humble beginnings, it started as an idea, albeit a misplaced one, but an idea nonetheless. Ideas, I am told are good unless they are bad, in which case they are not good.

This blog, or as I think it should be aptly called- internet community- is really an experiment in self awareness through self ignorance. In other words it is incoherent, cloudy thoughts with interspersed moments of utter lucidity.

I think my point is better made through someone concrete examples, we have a post that includes: guns and roses, serpents, and tips on pubic hair shaving. We have another involving intelligent design and control of human fat placement. Noticeably this place is somewhere that things which have little relation to each other collide violently producing a beautiful art show.

If random is good, and thoughts are uncontrollable, then I predict that next days, weeks and months will interesting- especially if certain filing cabinets are liberated.

Yits. out.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Our motto- informal poll.

I am conducting some brain storming for a motto for the blog(internet community) here are preliminary ideas please vote and/or suggest new ones in the comments.


1.Loci-Herein: read it, love it, eat it, poop it.

2. Loci-Herein:push out the pebble.

3. Loci-Herein: ideas are good, only if they are not bad.

5. Loci-Herein: pullout, before it's too late.

6. Loci-Herein: it is only going to get worse before it gets better (quoting a close friend).

7. Loci-Herein: ineffective help for the road of life.

8. Loci-Herein: an exercise in self awareness through self ignorance

9. Loci-Herein: what's it to ya?

10. Loci-Herein: blame hersh.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Where Ninjas Never Roam

Well my friends, I'm off. They're sending me to the land of cowboys. To a place where ninjas never roam. My friends, I'm going to Texas, and I'm scared. Texas. Texas. Texas??? You know who I feel bad for? My boots. I have perfectly good cowboy boots sitting at my parents’ house. Number one, they're lonely. I haven't worn them in months. Number two, I'm going to Texas for the first time in my life and I won't have my lovely brown Tony Lama boots on my feet. I guess I also feel bad for my feet. I mean come on! I'll be walking around in my hiking boots, feeling totally inadequate because I won't be in cowboy boots, all the while knowing I have beautiful brown boots at home. Why cowboy boots?? WHY??!?! I don't even want to get into the fact that my matching brown cowboy hat is in my filing cabinet at my parents’ house. Who the hell put my matching brown cowboy hat in my filling cabinet? If I only had that filing cabinet. All my problems would be solved. And what's the deal with these laws against ninjas? Seriously? My attorney needs to look into this.
end transmission...
Day-V
unofficial captain of the world

Monday, February 14, 2005

thank you

thank you.

its nice to see my name up there in big font.

all is forgiven,

may god have mercy on us all,

lenny

A darkened movie theatre: My relationship with Hersh

i know this guy named hersh. we hang out with the same circle of friends. We both really hate each other. it was obvious from the very begining that we would have a love/hate relationship.
I dont think we really hate each other, its just something fun we do to amuse ourseleves and to compensate for our crushingly low sense of self-worth. There is some hate between us, but nothing too severe or psychotic. Not talking war of the roses here or anything. more like
how it must be between owen and luke wilson.

Now, you may ask yourself, how do two people who obviously dislike each other remain friends with out it turning into a bloodbath? Well, hersh and I have found a solution: going to see a movie.

It is the perfect social setting for us to get together and the perfect metaphor for our relationship. By going to see movies we accomplish a several things. One, it fills the need for us to mercilessly insult one another in public. Two, it has a set time limit (the length of the movie) thereby ensuring things dont get to ridiculous and three, once the lights come up we each tell eahc other to fuck off and we go our separate ways. Clean and simple.

Its the perfect solution, we dont spend anymore time than necessarry with each other, and the lack of light ensures i dont have to look at hersh's ugly face. plus if he picks a shitty movie, i have something else to insult him about.

Now you may be asking, why agree to see movies with this guy in the first place? why not just end all contact with him if you hate each other so much?

thats a good question, and the answer is two-fold. One his brother is fun to hang out with, and two, its theraputic to insult hersh. i am serious, give it a try right now.

everyone all together: I fucking hate Hersh!

see, Its very cathartic and cheaper than seeing a shrink.

now if only i could get the other people i hate to agree to this arrangement i would be set,

cheers,

lenford.

p.s. i hate hersh

You Bastards!!!

You son of bitches! Here I am snug in my little apartment in t.o. while the 2 of you conspire
to rename our blog and get all the credit. daveyrosen.com, what the fuck is that!

i thought we were all in this together and now i can see that you are cosnpiring to cut me out. well no one pisses in lenford's ear and calls it semen! this is absolute bullshit, and even though he isnt remotely connected to this, i know hersh is responsible in some way and i will make sure he get his comeuppance.

patio crew productions, c-8 studios? hmm they sound familiar. maybe becuase those are all my ideas!.

havent you ever heard of intellectual property. my lawyers (lance and bruce) are going to have a field day with you two. they are going to sue your asse so bad that once they are finished you will be living in bathtub down by the river.

i demand restitution.

vengance will be mine,

lenny

Why Lord? Why?

I realize that this post was supposed to be about alcohol and Darwin; however, grand meteorological, theological, and metaphysical events have dictated otherwise. Without any sort of witty prelude I am just going to come right out and state it, my computer died. I am a typical online kid, everything - I mean everything is on the desktop of my now very dead dell laptop.

My friends tell me that life is too short to lament the loss of the ones we love, so this post is not about my loss it is about getting even. I hate dell, not because they make junk computers, because they have the worst customer service ever. The following is a harrowing tale of bad elevator music, individuals who suffer from severe ESL, and the use of the mentally retarded as customer service representatives. Here is the story after the computer died at 11:36 pm.

11:45-Call #1- level of irritation 3/10: I go through the entire charade of entering pins, passwords, waist size, and penis girth. Finally, Punjab the Putz gets on the line and says "thank you for calling dell"- Now if Punjab had more then curry for brains, he would have looked at the clock in his New deli office and realized that it was 12:15 am and I am calling technical support. A simple amount of deductive logic would have tipped him off that I did not want pleasantries I wanted to speak to someone who would fix the problem. This is the same as hiring a hooker and having her say she wants foreplay- she is not paid for foreplay- deductive reasoning hookers have it, guys in New Deli don’t. 12:35 am- Punjab hangs up, while trying to transfer me.

12:45 am - Call#2- level of irritation 5/10: Once again go through entire charade of entering bicep width, dogs' height, and oil level of midsize sedan in Mongolia. After a 35 minute hold time, I get John who sounds like Punjab- but I play along. He asks if I have an open case file- I say Punjab hung up on me- he says ok we will start from the beginning. He proceeds to verify all my information, a curious procedure considering I had to enter four pass codes and all body measurements to get past his computer call screener machine. But I play along. He then makes a startling discovery- I own a dell! But not just any dell, I own a business machine- something I hoped the passwords dell gave the machine would tell him- but I was wrong. (What does the express service code really stand for?) He says he has to transfer me to "people who are equipped to handle the problem" we all know that really means that I am going to have to dial again because they are going to hang up on me- but what the hell it is only 1:15 am and I don’t need sleep, besides Punjab just got his morning curry shipment. Sure enough some bad elevator music and it is time for call number 3.

1:45am call #3- level of irritation 7/10: To quote head and shoulders "to effectively control itch rinse and repeat"- so I do with all of the above, except the itch is still there. Now I am back speaking to Punjab except he has finished lunch and his name is now Ben. (Sounds the same though). Punjab pretends like he has not spoken to me, and after verifying that my asshole is round and sanitary, he says he is going to transfer me to a technician who can help. Sound familiar? Well just as I am bending over and Punjab in inserting his magic wand in my rump, Mike comes on the phone. Wonderful I think finally someone who can help- nope I was wrong again. Mike (who I believe is Punjab’s cousin in the cubicle over) states that he only works with desktops. But I don’t own a desktop- so in his best Tony Blair imitation Punjab’s cousin says he is going to transfer me- I get cut off at 2:35. I now have the same elevator song ingrained in my memory.

2:50am- call #4- irritations 11/10 after going through all the requisite steps I finally get to George who promises that English is his first language, he can fix the problem, and that he is on this side of the Atlantic. Wonderful life is finally taking a turn for the better right? Wrong. George starts off with "what seems to be the problem?". An innocuous question, I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and respond as politely as I can “THE FUCKIN' MACHINE IS BROKEN, YOU DAMN CRACK POT, and WHY ELSE WOULD I BE CALLING YOU AT 2:45 IN THE MORNING? MY OWN HEALTH? A REALLY FUCKED UP LONG DISTANCE, CELL PHONE MINUTE USING, GAY DOMINATRIX SESSION?" He apologizes for mass murder in Darfur and partial birth abortion and goes on, to say “so it does not turn on at all?" nope. We go through all the usual stuff, take the battery in, take the battery out, put the ac cord in, pull the ac cord out, do the hokey pokey and turn the computer about... nothing works. Finally, George comes up with a gem “how do you feel about taking off the cover and playing with insides of the machine?" “My initial thought was “did your mother drop you as a child or did the curry force you to shit out your brain?" So I said “well it can't get anymore fucked then it is- of course I am comfortable taking apart my $3,000 dollar machine." So we take screws out unplug and re-plug things, we find out that the plans he has on his computer don't match the computer lying on my operating table. 3:35 am computer gets back together and George makes the startling announcement - " it is fucked I am going to send out a service team". (brilliant- took the dell guys 4 hours to figure out what i knew in 15 mintues).

Call #4 part 2- 3:36 am- irritation level = apathetic
I hate life. George now tells me he needs to send out a tech to service the machine, but since my call came in so late the order will not be processed until Monday morning instead of Sunday night. Wonderful one extra day of no computer. Now things get interesting, George's computer blows up, so he has to start inputting the data of what we have done. He is pecking away at his keyboard; I am starting to fall asleep. He then appears to be getting to the end and asks for my zip code. I give it to him, and he says the computer says it does not exist. So the zip code that works just fine to send me my bill, to send me the collection notice, to send the repo guys - well now it conveniently does not work? So now George is stumped, his extensive training in fucking up people's lives stops at the point where the computer says sorry you are retarded. Finally at 4:35 am he gives me sort of tracking number that will tell the next idiot at dell what my body mass index is, percentage of my body that is fat, and size of my shoes.

Thank you Dell, I have lost faith in the human race- becuase if this is progress i want out. With unending hate for Dell and Verizon ( to be the subject of another post). I think dell customer service would be better if you called and they just sent a guy named bubba who came over and just pissed on your foot.

Peace out,
Yits.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Welcome to the Jungle

Have you ever listened to the words to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses? I mean really listened? I don't think you have. Number one, this is a classic song written by the great GN'fnR and you have done it no justice by not really listening to the song. Do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, you're gonna die! WHAT? WHY? Why am I gonna die? Let's take a closer look at this LA pop-metal classic.
What is this jungle and why am I going to die? Axel reveals to us that the jungle is but a metaphor... A metaphor for what you may ask? Well, he sings about welcoming you to a jungle, his serpentine and that it, his serpentine, is going to bring you to your knees. Obviously Axel is eloquently singing about his special place. Axel refers to this region as a "jungle." Clearly Axel hasn't kept his region neat and tidy.
What can Axel do to keep his region neat and tidy? Allow me to offer a couple of options. Obviously he can trim. Get those little nose hair clippers and trim away. Please use caution. Option number two is significantly more dangerous but much more rewarding. This option is the razor, preferably the Mach 3. It's clean and leaves things nice and smooth. But, believe me, nicks and cuts are infinitely more dangerous down below.
So, we now know that at the time of the creation of the classic Welcome to the Jungle, Axel was not shaving, except maybe his face. But why are we going to die when we are welcomed to this jungle? We're talking about Axel, clearly the answer is disease. The man was, and is, nasty, and if you're welcomed to his jungle, you're probably gonna get something, maybe you won't die, but you may wish you have.
I blame Yitsi for this blog... He has demanded a new blog from me and now I have shared what was dwelling in my mind. Keep on rockin in the free world. Ninjas unite!

Friday, February 11, 2005

intelligent design

Currently, some parts of the United States are discussing the merits of teaching "intelligent design" as an alternative to evolution. The intelligent design argument is based on the concept that the world and all its parts are so complex that they, statistically, could not have come together as they have. Therefore it must have been by design, theretofore there must be a designer, hence God is real. Although I believe in a higher power, a discussion for another time, I am not convinced of the intelligent design argument for the following reasons:

1. Bill Gates is a smart guy. Bill Gates makes lots of money. Bill Gates sends out updates every so often to fix the problems in the universe he created. So where is the update to earth 1.0(beta)?

2. If the world has a designer, why did he make the healthy things taste bad and unhealthy taste good? If he was half as smart as a lowly advertising executive he would have made broccoli as addictive as crack.

3. If the human body was designed, why must we wipe are our ass blind? would it not have made more sense to allow us to look and make sure the area was all clear, instead of the guess and test method.

4. How come when you have to shit really bad all that comes out is a little pebble?

5. Why not give humans the ability to control where the fat goes. I am sure I can apportion it more efficiently then it currently is.

6. Video games have power meters to let you know how close you are to death. Where is the real life one? That way we could abuse the body and then see how long one needs to recuperate until everything is fine again.

This is a partial list and will be updated as necessary. I encourage you to post thoughts in the comments and they will be added to the post.

off to push out the pebble,
yits.

Coming next- Darwin and alcohol what the experts don't tell you.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

50 bucks to Freeball.

The Virginia Legislature has passed a bill that will fine people for the indecent display of underwear. Here is an explanation of what exactly is being made illegal, clearly this bill is nothing more then public relations puff. If people are unaware of how this bill operates there is potential for deleterious effects for those of us in the ooogling department, those who use public bathrooms, wiggers, and fat horny women.
Here is the "meat" of the legislation:
ANY PERSON WHO, WHILE IN A PUBLIC PLACE, INTENTIONALLY WEARS AND DISPLAYS HIS BELOW-WAIST UNDERGARMENTS, INTENDED TO COVER A PERSON'S INTIMATE PARTS, IN A LEWD OR INDECENT MANNER,...
so the elements of this crime are :
1. It must be committed by a person.
2. In a public place
3. Intentionally wearing underwear
4. Intentionally displaying the underwear below the waist.
5. The underwear must be intended to cover"intimate parts"
6. All of this must be in an indecent manner.

luckily them folks in Virginia ain't too swift and the loop holes here are numerous .
1. Pretend to not be a person. If you are not a person then it does not apply. Most of my friends are now safe.

2. Public places- not much you can do about this. Any good tom foolery occurs in a public place. Consider farting at home by yourself, or in an elevator; elevator is way more entertaining then smelling your own fart and trying to figure out if you have digested the pizza you just ate.

3. Intentionally wearing underwear- this requirement is ripe for defense. The government has to prove that you were intentionally wearing your underwear. This can be difficult to do because you had to form the requisite intent (purpose) in order to make this stick. Therefore if you only wear underwear because :
A. Your wife/ girlfriend made you then it was under coercion and you did not formulate the intent.
B. Your parents made you wear underwear growing up therefore you were conditioned and out of reaction you put on your underwear. Again you failed to formulate the intent, because you did not "on purpose" put on your underwear.

4. Intentionally displaying underwear below the waist- first off where is my waist? Where does it start? Where does it end? If I am in a public bathroom making a poop with the stall door open and my underwear is below my waist- have I violated the law? Assuming the wearing was intentional. Obviously those with the hanging waist in the front, have more leeway to cover up crack in the rear. As this bill operates if you show crack you are ok, but if you cover it with underwear and not pants , you get fined 50 bucks. ( so the plumbers are now safe also).

5. The underwear must be intended to cover the private parts- thank god for this, G-stings are now exempt. Hence all women should turn to wearing them or nothing at all, since such garments are not intended to cover anything. Whereas granny panties are now one step closer to being illegal. (No, no these guys in Virginia are brilliant). There is also an intent problem here, who has to intend the underwear to cover the intimate parts? The manufacturer or the wearer. If it is the wearer then in order to be found guilty one would have to on purpose put on the underwear, on purpose have it be exposed and on purpose make sure it is the kind of underwear that is intended to cover the intimate parts.

6. Lewd and indecent- what in the hell does this mean? The dictionary defines Lewd as
preoccupied with sex and sexual desire; lustful. Obscene; indecent. indecent is defined as offensive to good taste; unseemly. Offensive to public moral values; immodest. So based on the definitions you will be convicted if your exposed underwear is exposed in a manner "preoccupied with sex/sexual desire/ or lustful manner" AND is offensive to good taste. All of this is very subjective. You would get off provided that you have no sexual desire resulting from the exposure of your underwear, that insulates all fat and ugly people from any liability.

So now who could be convicted of this crime: A person in a public place, who on purpose put on their underwear and wears it and intended that the underwear cover their intimate parts and yet who on purpose displayed below their waist. This display is preoccupied with sexual desire and offensive to public morals of someone (who we don't know). Basically, a fat, horny woman wearing granny panties in a public area whose pants have split and she intentionally refuses to patch them up in order to stir sexual desire and lust in both herself or passers-by.

What have we learned from all this?
1. If you don't wear underwear you can't be in trouble.
2. If you don't wear pants then your underwear is considered shorts and shorts are legal.
3. If you must wear underwear make sure it is skimpy, and that you are certain to not arouse offense to morals, or create a tent in a passer-by's pants.
4. Virginia should be culled ASAP (see Lenford q. rockefeller's post).

Below is the full text of the bill - this is real no shitting you.

yits.



HOUSE BILL NO. 1981
AMENDMENT IN THE NATURE OF A SUBSTITUTE
(PROPOSED BY THE HOUSE COMMITTEE FOR COURTS OF JUSTICE
ON FEBRUARY 4, 2005)
(PATRON PRIOR TO SUBSTITUTE--DELEGATE HOWELL, A.T.)



BILL TRACKING REPORT: 2004 Bill Tracking VA H.B. 1981

2004 Bill Text VA H.B. 1981

VERSION: Substituted

VERSION-DATE: February 7, 2005

SYNOPSIS: A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding a section numbered 18.2-387.1, relating to indecent display of below-waist undergarments.


TEXT: Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Virginia:

1. That the Code of Virginia is amended by adding a section numbered 18.2-387.1 as follows:

SECTION 18.2-387.1. INDECENT DISPLAY OF UNDERWEAR. ANY PERSON WHO, WHILE IN A PUBLIC PLACE, INTENTIONALLY WEARS AND DISPLAYS HIS BELOW-WAIST UNDERGARMENTS, INTENDED TO COVER A PERSON'S INTIMATE PARTS, IN A LEWD OR INDECENT MANNER, SHALL BE SUBJECT TO A CIVIL PENALTY OF NO MORE THAN $ 50. "INTIMATE PARTS" HAS THE SAME MEANING AS IN SECTION 18.2-67.10. SPONSOR:
Howell A

SUBJECT: LEGISLATION (90%); LEGISLATORS (90%); FINES & PENALTIES (54%);

LOAD-DATE: February 9, 2005

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Overlooked People in Society.

Normally I am a results kind of guy, I focus in on the thing that is most responsible for drawing my attention. In a bar it is the boobies, in the mall it is the boobies, and on TV it is the boobies. You see I am a "focuser"; however I have realized that it may be time to expand my field of vision.
It all occurred at a bar, I noticed that the integral part of the band was indeed the triangle/cowbell guy. Now generally such an individual would have been overlooked, with focus being on the guitarist or drummer or bassist or singer or the bartender or the beer. I however, have come to realize that it is the "triangle guy" who really makes things come together, without that crucial "Bing" at that precise moment the entire composition (sometimes known as a song) would falter.

I have decided to call this greater field of vision the "cowbell phenomenon". It can have everyday application for everyone. Think about how society would change if men were to start concentrating on the area commonly known as the face. The "cowbell phenomenon" has the potential to revamp all intersex interactions. The next possible step from this discovery is that those noises coming from the hole located on the lower third of the area above the neck known as the face might actually be considered to be valuable. If time was spent understanding them then maybe plans would get made, dreams fulfilled, and sexual tension relieved. And these overlooked and crucial people, who are made up the area around the breasts and cause the noise to emanate, might be seen to be a contributing force in the world.

Of course I might be mistaken and it might have just been a signal that it was the start of happy hour.

yits.

Thinning the herd

Our planet needs some serious donwsizing. We need to eliminate some of the idiots running around this place. we should also eliminate some of the smart kids too, just to be equitable. I walked out of my aprtment today and was amazed that: a) there are a lot of ugly people in my neighbourhood and b) most people are stupid.

Either they dont know how to walk, like to jump in front of moving cars ( i swear i saw 2 people get hit by cars today) or just piss me off on some unknown cellular level. this either means that i am anti-social, or my plan makes complete sense. I vote for the latter.

Also once we decrease the population by say 1/3 or so, there will be way more room on the streets and also less lineups at Subway, so that i can get my lunch when i want it.

finally, with less people, i expect epidemic diseases to increase, allowing me to fulfill my fantasy of being the 21st century version of the Omega Man (ala Charlton Heston). If you do not know this movie, you suck; if you do, you are too smart for you own damn good and should be part of the herd-thinning.

either way, i like fudge.

p.s. if anyone sees my medication, please send it to me ASAP. As this post clearly indicates, i am fucking nuts when off my meds.

cheers,

lenny

Ripped From The Headlines:" Who needs help with a pullout?"

Today, while succumbing to intertia and surfing the internet, instead of productively wasting my time I ran across the following headline: NY-funded group seeks to help with pullout trauma
I am quite curious to know what exactly the article is talking about. Is it a NY-funded group helping people who suffer from "pullout trauma"? This would be curious since most pullouts are followed by an optional cigarette, a possible shower, and a probable nap. Also who is suffering the trauma, the pullout-ee(the person from whom it was pulled out of) or the pullout-or ( the person pulling it out), I think their perspectives might differ.
Or is the NY-funded group, helping some other group of people by employing a method known as "pullout trauma"? This would imply that there are "pullout experts" and "pullout coaches" and "pullout manuals" in fact there might even be "pullout" merchandise. You could even have group pullouts- the possibilities are endless.

Yits.

Monday, February 07, 2005

The Art of the Drunk Dial

The other day, while conducting my usual internet news survey, I came across the following article in the NY times "The New Social Etiquette: Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk". With such an eye catching headline I decided to see if the conclusions that the article made vindicated my long held views on the subject.
The article portrayed the art of drunk dialing as a negative activity. Further it claimed that those who are the target of such calls would prefer these calls went unmade. I believe that the thoughts and views represented in that article stem from a larger assault on our individual rights by those who believe in big government and that OJ really is guilty.

Before proceeding, in the spirit of biased writing, I must admit that I am a drunk dialer, emailer, and in some instances just plain drunk and unable to email and or dial. Based on my extensive research and experience in all three aspects mentioned above I have come to the following observations.

Firstly, drunk dialing is easier then drunk emailing because typing is not a strong suit of the inebriated. Therefore plan ahead and ensure that all required numbers will be stored in the phone.

Secondly, disable all long distance functions or complicate them sufficiently so that you will be unable to operate them- or even better get a good long distance plan. Nothing worse then making call that you don’t remember then forgetting to hang up the phone and then a month later being reminded of a phone call to the Slavic republic of frozennuts which cost $5/ minute and you did not even get the girls last name.

Thirdly, god has no phone number and 411 charges apply when you ask for it. He also has no address in Mississauga.

Fourthly, all messages left are better when sung. Rhymes are good, but inflection will do.

Fifth, make sure you have more then one topic to discuss with the answer machine. If need be write it down, because you'd be surprised how much can be forgotten between "Hi you've reached" and "leave a message after the beep". Nothing is more disastrous then a blank drunk thought- it is plain obnoxious to not leave a message.

Turning to email, much of what was said above still applies. However there are some unique things that need to be said. 1). do not spell check- it is more confusing then the keyboard. 2). you must hit send, writing an email and not sending it is like reading penthouse for the articles- nobody is getting off on it. 3). do note that email is likely to be sent to the person you did not want it sent to, so if you plan to bash an ex, or someone you dislike- ensure that it is vicious and hurtful 'cause you are only going to get one shot at it.

A well done drunk dial or email will live on for posterity- many of the classics are saved for 21 days on people's voicemail and emails are forwarded for days on end.
If you think you might regret what you do - keep drinking- plausible deniability is crucial to any well schemed drunk plan.

Happy dialing,
yits.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

File sharing- root cause.

So here it is, loci-herein is wading head on into the debate on online file swapping.

Today the Supremes announced that they would hear a case between several prominent recording artists and Grokster (case name: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios v. Grokster, 04-480).

The fight for the music companies is an uphill one to say the least. Let's consider the two crucial factors that the music industry needs to overcome: (I) people like music and (ii) people like free stuff.

If the recording industry wishes to end file sharing they either need to get people to dislike music or dislike free things. Since the first would put them out of business altogether, it is the second that they have decided to concentrate on... Suing 12 year olds for uploading the latest pop garbage. If this was any other industry the 12 year olds would be suing the record companies for breach of warranty, for manufacture of defective product, and for violations of the environmental protection laws for increasing the amount of noise pollution to intolerable levels.

This case represents the next level (after suing 12 year olds) , suing the file sharing software guys. I say guys because what girl is going to spend Saturday night sitting in front of a computer developing a way for people, she has never met, to swap files- not a single one.

You see in order to understand the development of the file sharing one needs to understand the true purpose of the underlying software. It is so that males of all ages can freely share nuddie videos. This is the dual use technology aspect of the software, while keeping the courts and society busy with the music issues; millions of young, old, and middle aged men send and receive millions of gigabytes of "stimulating" images, audio, and video every day. All under the radar of the of the copyright people.

Therefore my solution to stop the innovation of file swapping programs and thereby reduce the efficiency of the programs is to provide nuddie free of charge to all males over the age of 13- thereby eliminating the need for people to develop more sophisticated porn delivery devices.

You see, sex drives the world and if it is made a little easier to get then life becomes a little easier to regulate.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Did C.S. Lewis write about this chair?

I got a new chair at work today. It's awful. I hate it. Actually it's not a new chair. I stole a chair from the girl who was on vacation forever. Now she's back. She could tell right away that something was not ordinary. Instantly she could detect that something was differenct and I was freakin smilling like a monkey. She took her chair back. Her beautifull chair! Now my freakin back hurts. I'm all out of whack. I gotta wiggle...

If you're wondering why I left this message you can blame Yitsi. It works. For example, I had really bad gas after lunch today, blame Yitsi. See. It works.

Some thoughts on the NHL lockout.

When the league was shut down way back on September 15, 2004, I firmly believed that I would suffer incredible withdrawal from lack of sports on the tube. I followed the lockout intensely reading every article, dreaming up solutions, weighing the evidence. Then I discovered that I don’t matter to the NHL or the NHLPA and simultaneously I discovered that there is plenty of other horrible programming that can replace the utter boredom of watching regular season hockey.

To wit, I have taken up watching an extraordinary number of television shows aided by the technological developments in the file-sharing world and the magic of the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). As it stands now, I watch (non exhaustive list):CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI:NY, Law and Order, Law and Order:CI, Law and Order: SVU, Medium, Numbers, Jonny Zero, Everwood, Smallville, Boston Legal, Jack and Bobby, House, 24, West Wing, Medical investigation, Desperate Housewives.

During the last few months, I have found myself cheering for different characters, throwing things at the TV when they do something I disagree with, and ordering a pizza and beer for specific programs.

If the players and owners believe that diehard hockey fans cannot and will not adapt to the reality of no NHL, they are sorely mistaken. If one compares hockey fans to crack addicts, similarities in behavior begin to emerge. Both are likely to be irrational when it comes to the subject of the their addiction; it is likely that at some point in time they both will conduct themselves in violent manner; both are likely to overpay for the next fix; both will look for other means to get high before giving up their addictions.

Well far from eliminating my TV addiction I have just moved on to other programming, which although not a perfect substitute still provides the needed excuse in order to justify many hours of life wasted watching pixels dance around the screen. My new dream is not Edmonton winning the Stanley Cup or a return of the ice gladiators; rather it is seeing those pixels dance on a plasma stage to the tune of Dolby digital 7.1.


An introduction of sorts.

Welcome to the Loci-herein.

If you have navigated the treacherous landscape of the internet and arrived here as your destination then welcome and enjoy; if you are merely in transit to another destination then take this moment to sample the samplings ('cause that is what samples are for).

This blog is a compendium of ideas, thoughts, discussion, and tidbits. Relevance is of little relevance. If it is important then it should be posted, if it is unimportant then it should be posted so that it may become important.

The only conditions is that the post be logical- if it can't be logical then magical, and if not magical then legible.

As for topics, I am sure that each person will eventually develop a favorite field of expression- no field is too insignificant or too significant.

If this introduction is too vague I challenge you to post your own.

Yits. Out.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Is this the place?

Yits, Yitsi is this the blog? What happens now? I just ate macaroni and cheese for dinner. I love it. Have you noticed that bannanas seem to be getting bigger? I know Lenny thinks about that. I think about hair loss. And shoes. I may need new shoes.