Monday, February 07, 2005

The Art of the Drunk Dial

The other day, while conducting my usual internet news survey, I came across the following article in the NY times "The New Social Etiquette: Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk". With such an eye catching headline I decided to see if the conclusions that the article made vindicated my long held views on the subject.
The article portrayed the art of drunk dialing as a negative activity. Further it claimed that those who are the target of such calls would prefer these calls went unmade. I believe that the thoughts and views represented in that article stem from a larger assault on our individual rights by those who believe in big government and that OJ really is guilty.

Before proceeding, in the spirit of biased writing, I must admit that I am a drunk dialer, emailer, and in some instances just plain drunk and unable to email and or dial. Based on my extensive research and experience in all three aspects mentioned above I have come to the following observations.

Firstly, drunk dialing is easier then drunk emailing because typing is not a strong suit of the inebriated. Therefore plan ahead and ensure that all required numbers will be stored in the phone.

Secondly, disable all long distance functions or complicate them sufficiently so that you will be unable to operate them- or even better get a good long distance plan. Nothing worse then making call that you don’t remember then forgetting to hang up the phone and then a month later being reminded of a phone call to the Slavic republic of frozennuts which cost $5/ minute and you did not even get the girls last name.

Thirdly, god has no phone number and 411 charges apply when you ask for it. He also has no address in Mississauga.

Fourthly, all messages left are better when sung. Rhymes are good, but inflection will do.

Fifth, make sure you have more then one topic to discuss with the answer machine. If need be write it down, because you'd be surprised how much can be forgotten between "Hi you've reached" and "leave a message after the beep". Nothing is more disastrous then a blank drunk thought- it is plain obnoxious to not leave a message.

Turning to email, much of what was said above still applies. However there are some unique things that need to be said. 1). do not spell check- it is more confusing then the keyboard. 2). you must hit send, writing an email and not sending it is like reading penthouse for the articles- nobody is getting off on it. 3). do note that email is likely to be sent to the person you did not want it sent to, so if you plan to bash an ex, or someone you dislike- ensure that it is vicious and hurtful 'cause you are only going to get one shot at it.

A well done drunk dial or email will live on for posterity- many of the classics are saved for 21 days on people's voicemail and emails are forwarded for days on end.
If you think you might regret what you do - keep drinking- plausible deniability is crucial to any well schemed drunk plan.

Happy dialing,
yits.

7 Comments:

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