Wednesday, April 27, 2005

A call to arms: Mass mailing the mass mailers!

Fellow recipients of junk mail the time has come to launch a holy crusade against the NO ANNUAL FEE, 0% introductory interest rate for Six months an all balances credit card company mailings. These wasteful and deceptive mailings serve no purpose other than to annoy me and make a mess on my floor because I refuse to pick them up.

Today as I walked in my door and saw tens of these obnoxious things on the floor- a grand idea came to me. I decided I would open them up and fill the postage paid reply envelope with everything they had sent me, including the original envelope. So I opened it ripped off all pages that had my name, so as to avoid a retaliatory massive influx of mail, and proceed to fill it up with each piece of paper they had sent me. As I was finishing the first one, I noticed that I had some subway coupons so included them. I think I just made someone's day over at Chase Bank.

The next envelope included relevant pages from a dell catalogue, a business card for a local Gardener and some coupons from some other junk mail. Over the next 15 minutes, I noticed my floor becoming cleaner as much of the junk mail was being stuffed into these reply envelopes.

Thus I call on all of you to send back the envelopes, stuff them if you wish or mail them back empty. Simply just mail them back.

If enough people do this the costs of this nuisance will be raised to intolerable levels through (I)increased postage the companies will have to pay, this helps the postage workers;
(ii) each of these envelopes has to be opened which means someone will be hired to do it, thus providing employment;
(iii) it is environmentally friendly that way the company can reuse things that are sent back. (and who said i would never do something for mother earth?!)

- The evil genius.

Feel free to post how many and to whom you sent them in the comment section.

Please do not violate any laws by sending anything offensive, illegal, or disgusting. Stick to things you have received in the mail. (basically just paper- with nothing offensive on it).

A salute to law students....

Today we salute you stressed out law student. As you sit at your desk, doped up on red bull and a variety of meds, legal and not, you think to yourself, was law school really the right decision?

The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times and read all the away messages. Espn and Cnn have nothing new to offer and the refreash button on your browers is all but worn out.

Summer break is non-existent, a break is far away, and your adderall or coke prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold bud light, because for most of us the first free day we get will be spent in a rehab facility...

Goodnight, and live well.

ps. much of this post is owed to Mr. "Crusher03" a good man with Charlie Brown like qualities who also doubles as a gentleman and scholar .

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Inevitable!


During this time of year there is something that always comes up. You hope it never arrives, yet comes quickly and wish it passed quickly, yet never seems to leave. Humanity has done so much during this time for so many, yet we have never bothered to put our minds on this. They have created gluten free, hand-made, and machine-made, they have even sold pre-broken and miniscule-pieces. With all the geniuses in this world they have never created non-constipating Matzo?!?!?!?!?!

Every year without a doubt that second day of Pessach I will be walking to shul wondering when it will all come out. I have at this point consumed enough food to feed the recently anointed fattest 1B of all-time Cecil Fielder (see Page 2, but for some reason it just keeps building up. Well during this time of questions I ask WHY?

Why must we eat this food that stuffs us up for eight days?
Why can we not create a Matzo that lets us Poo when we want?
Why can my girlfriend get her stupid Spelt Matzo and we are stuck wondering when the next poo will be?

You see I give respect to our fellow Jews who wanted to make sure they did not waste time leaving slavery - therefore the bread did not rise and they kept themselves from craping themselves by making constipating Matzo. But what is our excuse now?

What is our excuse now?

Remember - when you feel alone and depressed think of Lenny and have a smile

The Hersh

Our Triumphant Return

First, let me apologize to our loyal readers about our lack of keeping current. The contributors of Loci-Herein humbly apologize for this lapse is our usual scathing social commentary, satire of the mundane, sarcasm and general legalese gibberish from yitsi. Anyway, we are now back, and hope to again fill your screens with useless information, and our own personal rants that are only amusing to our close circle of friends.

Second, let me relate the story as to why we have been out of touch for so long.
Due to some "unforseen unpleasantness" with some unsavoury "business partners",
it was necessary for the contributors of this blog to leave the country for a few weeks. Unfortunately, I cannot go into more detail due to the death vendetta we are currently under. However let me say, that we enjoyed our time in Mexico and appreciated the hospitality of the local merchants, especially the people who filled our days with sports activities (tequila volleyball) and stimulating conversation (thank you, britney and shitney).

Anyway, we are now back home, have sorted out all immigration issues and are once again ready to spew forth nonsense ont he general public. As an FYI, keep an eye out for our tell all book coming in spring 2008, tentatively titled:
"Shades of Complete Insanity" -How to do everything wrong and still come out alright.

and now for a brief listing of the top ten things we learned while on our self-imposed exile in Mexico.

10. You can be cut off at a bar at an all-inclusive hotel.
9. The death of Terri Schiavo and the Pope was a major buzzkill
8. Mexico has the highest level of tractor factories per capita than any other country. The country itself has a tractor factor of 6.
7. 1987 was a very good year (think about it)
6. middle aged women from toronto want a little bit of lenny in them
5. a pizza delivery motorbike is a great alternative to a taxi
4. do not eat bananas and peanut butter before going deep sea fishing
3. girls named megan from southeast lousiana, while promising to stay in touch, never do
2. if you get sunburnt, your skin will peel off in massive pieces
1. eating soup while it is 90 degrees outside is a great idea

see you on the other side,


VERIZON- and the death of my cell phone.

I put it on the charger one night.
and woke up and it was off. Strange I thought.
So I turned it on, and LO and BEHOLD magic.
The only thing that was displayed "Service required".

In my limited wisdom, I tried to dial * six one one
and yell at a Verizon.
but, you see they are too smart for me.
My phone would not dial anything.

So I went to the Verizon store to take advantage of the "Worry Free Guarantee".
let me tell you about this so called Worry Free Guaranty- it is not worry free nor a guarantee.

The lovely, lady behind the counter said,
in the most non caring of ways,
that all I could get is a new- refurbished phone (which is not really new at all) for $65.
And if that was not enough she could "not guarantee" that my contacts would be ported over to this new-old phone.

And so we starred at each other, an intense stare.
My eyebrow quivered a little bit, my upper lip trembled under the pressure
the cascading torrent of four letter adjectives about to come pouring from my mouth in a relentless fashion.

I bit my lip and said " thank you but I am going to switch to Cingular" and walked away.