Monday, February 28, 2005

Goodnight Sweet Prince

My friends, I come to you this evening with some sad news. It is with great difficulty I write everyone today to inform you of the death of my good friend and companion of 10 years, Flaveous the Turtle.

For those of you who never were fortunate enough to meet Flave and experience the love possible between a man and his reptile, let me share a little about him with yall. Flave enjoyed sleeping, eating, and swimming. He also found much adventure and excitement in escaping from his tank and hiding all through out my apartment. There were countless times we'd find him behind the couch, under the toilet, or even wedged between the dresser his tank sat on and the wall - suspended in mid air because he took a dive out of his tank on the wrong side. There was even a time he made it out the door of my apartment and, feeling as fearless as ever, crawled off the walkway taking a 14 ft fall on to the concrete below. One of his proudest moments, I am sure we can all agree.

We found Flave at the bottom of his tank lying in peace and put him in a modest box along with one of his favorite toys. Accompanied by my friend Yitsi, we took his remains and buried him in the rocks overlooking the Hudson River as New Jersey glistened off in the distance.

Flave is succeeded by the 3 fish that I had put in his tank for him to eat while I was away in Texas and now find myself having to care and buy fish food for, Hersh, Nathan, and Tatonka.

Shiva will not be observed because Flave was a Buddhist, but donations can be made to the New York State Turtle Fund.

Eternal life V. Meaning of life

A key issue in all vampire movies is whether the immortal can live a meaningful life. Luckily for you Loci-Herein readers, I the magnificent Yitsi have come up with a method to live as long as one desires without having to resort to sucking blood, living at night, and sleeping in coffins.

In order to live for as long as you want, you need to firmly believe in the following:
1. That there is a God or some higher omnipotent being.
2. That he/She/It designed the world and each and every aspect of it has a purpose.
3. Since all things have a purpose, each person has a purpose.
4. If the being is omnipotent then the world as a whole must be perfect.
5. If the world is perfect and we each have a purpose, then we cannot be removed from the world before accomplishing said purpose.

Logically, based on these five simple and powerful deductions, as long as you DO NOT complete your purpose then you cannot be removed. This is because the world will cease to be perfect and that is not possible because it was created by a perfect being. SO my prescription for this is to procrastinate. In fact, I figure the less one does then the more one has left to do, this coupled with the progress of technology, would suggest that the longer one waits, the easier it will be to accomplish whatever it is one is waiting to do.

The other key thing is to find out what your purpose is in life. For this I recommend a quick a googol search, since you get at least 24 million hits. By the time you finish reading these at a leisurely pace, you will certainly have lived a nice and full life, and discovered many interesting things on the internet.

Happy reading,

Saturday, February 26, 2005


I have concluded that there is nothing more entertaining then t-shirts. This conclusion is based on no research or information at all, rather it is a thought put into my head by the little people (there is more to come on them later). I have also decided that if I think it and believe it, then whatever "it" is must be true. So then in this case "it" is "t-shirts are good". As such, the following 15 minutes must be dedicated to the pursuit of t-shirts.

Along this line of thought, I have also figured that making your own t-shirts, is better then free t-shirts, which is better then buying t-shirts, which is better then finding t-shirts. Therefore, in honor of a trip to Mexico, which will hopefully occur soon during some up coming vacation time, I plan to create the following t-shirts:

1. Will say "please bring me a taco"
2. Will say "please refill the tequila iv bag"
3. Will say "please empty my catheter."
and then a hat saying "please resuscitate"

I figure that is all the communication one needs on the beach in Mexico. The rest can be done by pointing, stripping, and grunting.
If I am missing anything (kinds of t-shirts or method of communication) please let me know in the comments section, as information is the key to this world and I feel locked out.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

State of the Blog

Loyal readers, commentators, contributors, and objects of our scorn;

The time has come to reflect on the past few weeks. This blog had humble beginnings, it started as an idea, albeit a misplaced one, but an idea nonetheless. Ideas, I am told are good unless they are bad, in which case they are not good.

This blog, or as I think it should be aptly called- internet community- is really an experiment in self awareness through self ignorance. In other words it is incoherent, cloudy thoughts with interspersed moments of utter lucidity.

I think my point is better made through someone concrete examples, we have a post that includes: guns and roses, serpents, and tips on pubic hair shaving. We have another involving intelligent design and control of human fat placement. Noticeably this place is somewhere that things which have little relation to each other collide violently producing a beautiful art show.

If random is good, and thoughts are uncontrollable, then I predict that next days, weeks and months will interesting- especially if certain filing cabinets are liberated.

Yits. out.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Our motto- informal poll.

I am conducting some brain storming for a motto for the blog(internet community) here are preliminary ideas please vote and/or suggest new ones in the comments.

1.Loci-Herein: read it, love it, eat it, poop it.

2. Loci-Herein:push out the pebble.

3. Loci-Herein: ideas are good, only if they are not bad.

5. Loci-Herein: pullout, before it's too late.

6. Loci-Herein: it is only going to get worse before it gets better (quoting a close friend).

7. Loci-Herein: ineffective help for the road of life.

8. Loci-Herein: an exercise in self awareness through self ignorance

9. Loci-Herein: what's it to ya?

10. Loci-Herein: blame hersh.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Where Ninjas Never Roam

Well my friends, I'm off. They're sending me to the land of cowboys. To a place where ninjas never roam. My friends, I'm going to Texas, and I'm scared. Texas. Texas. Texas??? You know who I feel bad for? My boots. I have perfectly good cowboy boots sitting at my parents’ house. Number one, they're lonely. I haven't worn them in months. Number two, I'm going to Texas for the first time in my life and I won't have my lovely brown Tony Lama boots on my feet. I guess I also feel bad for my feet. I mean come on! I'll be walking around in my hiking boots, feeling totally inadequate because I won't be in cowboy boots, all the while knowing I have beautiful brown boots at home. Why cowboy boots?? WHY??!?! I don't even want to get into the fact that my matching brown cowboy hat is in my filing cabinet at my parents’ house. Who the hell put my matching brown cowboy hat in my filling cabinet? If I only had that filing cabinet. All my problems would be solved. And what's the deal with these laws against ninjas? Seriously? My attorney needs to look into this.
end transmission...
unofficial captain of the world

Monday, February 14, 2005

thank you

thank you.

its nice to see my name up there in big font.

all is forgiven,

may god have mercy on us all,


A darkened movie theatre: My relationship with Hersh

i know this guy named hersh. we hang out with the same circle of friends. We both really hate each other. it was obvious from the very begining that we would have a love/hate relationship.
I dont think we really hate each other, its just something fun we do to amuse ourseleves and to compensate for our crushingly low sense of self-worth. There is some hate between us, but nothing too severe or psychotic. Not talking war of the roses here or anything. more like
how it must be between owen and luke wilson.

Now, you may ask yourself, how do two people who obviously dislike each other remain friends with out it turning into a bloodbath? Well, hersh and I have found a solution: going to see a movie.

It is the perfect social setting for us to get together and the perfect metaphor for our relationship. By going to see movies we accomplish a several things. One, it fills the need for us to mercilessly insult one another in public. Two, it has a set time limit (the length of the movie) thereby ensuring things dont get to ridiculous and three, once the lights come up we each tell eahc other to fuck off and we go our separate ways. Clean and simple.

Its the perfect solution, we dont spend anymore time than necessarry with each other, and the lack of light ensures i dont have to look at hersh's ugly face. plus if he picks a shitty movie, i have something else to insult him about.

Now you may be asking, why agree to see movies with this guy in the first place? why not just end all contact with him if you hate each other so much?

thats a good question, and the answer is two-fold. One his brother is fun to hang out with, and two, its theraputic to insult hersh. i am serious, give it a try right now.

everyone all together: I fucking hate Hersh!

see, Its very cathartic and cheaper than seeing a shrink.

now if only i could get the other people i hate to agree to this arrangement i would be set,



p.s. i hate hersh

You Bastards!!!

You son of bitches! Here I am snug in my little apartment in t.o. while the 2 of you conspire
to rename our blog and get all the credit., what the fuck is that!

i thought we were all in this together and now i can see that you are cosnpiring to cut me out. well no one pisses in lenford's ear and calls it semen! this is absolute bullshit, and even though he isnt remotely connected to this, i know hersh is responsible in some way and i will make sure he get his comeuppance.

patio crew productions, c-8 studios? hmm they sound familiar. maybe becuase those are all my ideas!.

havent you ever heard of intellectual property. my lawyers (lance and bruce) are going to have a field day with you two. they are going to sue your asse so bad that once they are finished you will be living in bathtub down by the river.

i demand restitution.

vengance will be mine,


Why Lord? Why?

I realize that this post was supposed to be about alcohol and Darwin; however, grand meteorological, theological, and metaphysical events have dictated otherwise. Without any sort of witty prelude I am just going to come right out and state it, my computer died. I am a typical online kid, everything - I mean everything is on the desktop of my now very dead dell laptop.

My friends tell me that life is too short to lament the loss of the ones we love, so this post is not about my loss it is about getting even. I hate dell, not because they make junk computers, because they have the worst customer service ever. The following is a harrowing tale of bad elevator music, individuals who suffer from severe ESL, and the use of the mentally retarded as customer service representatives. Here is the story after the computer died at 11:36 pm.

11:45-Call #1- level of irritation 3/10: I go through the entire charade of entering pins, passwords, waist size, and penis girth. Finally, Punjab the Putz gets on the line and says "thank you for calling dell"- Now if Punjab had more then curry for brains, he would have looked at the clock in his New deli office and realized that it was 12:15 am and I am calling technical support. A simple amount of deductive logic would have tipped him off that I did not want pleasantries I wanted to speak to someone who would fix the problem. This is the same as hiring a hooker and having her say she wants foreplay- she is not paid for foreplay- deductive reasoning hookers have it, guys in New Deli don’t. 12:35 am- Punjab hangs up, while trying to transfer me.

12:45 am - Call#2- level of irritation 5/10: Once again go through entire charade of entering bicep width, dogs' height, and oil level of midsize sedan in Mongolia. After a 35 minute hold time, I get John who sounds like Punjab- but I play along. He asks if I have an open case file- I say Punjab hung up on me- he says ok we will start from the beginning. He proceeds to verify all my information, a curious procedure considering I had to enter four pass codes and all body measurements to get past his computer call screener machine. But I play along. He then makes a startling discovery- I own a dell! But not just any dell, I own a business machine- something I hoped the passwords dell gave the machine would tell him- but I was wrong. (What does the express service code really stand for?) He says he has to transfer me to "people who are equipped to handle the problem" we all know that really means that I am going to have to dial again because they are going to hang up on me- but what the hell it is only 1:15 am and I don’t need sleep, besides Punjab just got his morning curry shipment. Sure enough some bad elevator music and it is time for call number 3.

1:45am call #3- level of irritation 7/10: To quote head and shoulders "to effectively control itch rinse and repeat"- so I do with all of the above, except the itch is still there. Now I am back speaking to Punjab except he has finished lunch and his name is now Ben. (Sounds the same though). Punjab pretends like he has not spoken to me, and after verifying that my asshole is round and sanitary, he says he is going to transfer me to a technician who can help. Sound familiar? Well just as I am bending over and Punjab in inserting his magic wand in my rump, Mike comes on the phone. Wonderful I think finally someone who can help- nope I was wrong again. Mike (who I believe is Punjab’s cousin in the cubicle over) states that he only works with desktops. But I don’t own a desktop- so in his best Tony Blair imitation Punjab’s cousin says he is going to transfer me- I get cut off at 2:35. I now have the same elevator song ingrained in my memory.

2:50am- call #4- irritations 11/10 after going through all the requisite steps I finally get to George who promises that English is his first language, he can fix the problem, and that he is on this side of the Atlantic. Wonderful life is finally taking a turn for the better right? Wrong. George starts off with "what seems to be the problem?". An innocuous question, I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and respond as politely as I can “THE FUCKIN' MACHINE IS BROKEN, YOU DAMN CRACK POT, and WHY ELSE WOULD I BE CALLING YOU AT 2:45 IN THE MORNING? MY OWN HEALTH? A REALLY FUCKED UP LONG DISTANCE, CELL PHONE MINUTE USING, GAY DOMINATRIX SESSION?" He apologizes for mass murder in Darfur and partial birth abortion and goes on, to say “so it does not turn on at all?" nope. We go through all the usual stuff, take the battery in, take the battery out, put the ac cord in, pull the ac cord out, do the hokey pokey and turn the computer about... nothing works. Finally, George comes up with a gem “how do you feel about taking off the cover and playing with insides of the machine?" “My initial thought was “did your mother drop you as a child or did the curry force you to shit out your brain?" So I said “well it can't get anymore fucked then it is- of course I am comfortable taking apart my $3,000 dollar machine." So we take screws out unplug and re-plug things, we find out that the plans he has on his computer don't match the computer lying on my operating table. 3:35 am computer gets back together and George makes the startling announcement - " it is fucked I am going to send out a service team". (brilliant- took the dell guys 4 hours to figure out what i knew in 15 mintues).

Call #4 part 2- 3:36 am- irritation level = apathetic
I hate life. George now tells me he needs to send out a tech to service the machine, but since my call came in so late the order will not be processed until Monday morning instead of Sunday night. Wonderful one extra day of no computer. Now things get interesting, George's computer blows up, so he has to start inputting the data of what we have done. He is pecking away at his keyboard; I am starting to fall asleep. He then appears to be getting to the end and asks for my zip code. I give it to him, and he says the computer says it does not exist. So the zip code that works just fine to send me my bill, to send me the collection notice, to send the repo guys - well now it conveniently does not work? So now George is stumped, his extensive training in fucking up people's lives stops at the point where the computer says sorry you are retarded. Finally at 4:35 am he gives me sort of tracking number that will tell the next idiot at dell what my body mass index is, percentage of my body that is fat, and size of my shoes.

Thank you Dell, I have lost faith in the human race- becuase if this is progress i want out. With unending hate for Dell and Verizon ( to be the subject of another post). I think dell customer service would be better if you called and they just sent a guy named bubba who came over and just pissed on your foot.

Peace out,

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Welcome to the Jungle

Have you ever listened to the words to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses? I mean really listened? I don't think you have. Number one, this is a classic song written by the great GN'fnR and you have done it no justice by not really listening to the song. Do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, you're gonna die! WHAT? WHY? Why am I gonna die? Let's take a closer look at this LA pop-metal classic.
What is this jungle and why am I going to die? Axel reveals to us that the jungle is but a metaphor... A metaphor for what you may ask? Well, he sings about welcoming you to a jungle, his serpentine and that it, his serpentine, is going to bring you to your knees. Obviously Axel is eloquently singing about his special place. Axel refers to this region as a "jungle." Clearly Axel hasn't kept his region neat and tidy.
What can Axel do to keep his region neat and tidy? Allow me to offer a couple of options. Obviously he can trim. Get those little nose hair clippers and trim away. Please use caution. Option number two is significantly more dangerous but much more rewarding. This option is the razor, preferably the Mach 3. It's clean and leaves things nice and smooth. But, believe me, nicks and cuts are infinitely more dangerous down below.
So, we now know that at the time of the creation of the classic Welcome to the Jungle, Axel was not shaving, except maybe his face. But why are we going to die when we are welcomed to this jungle? We're talking about Axel, clearly the answer is disease. The man was, and is, nasty, and if you're welcomed to his jungle, you're probably gonna get something, maybe you won't die, but you may wish you have.
I blame Yitsi for this blog... He has demanded a new blog from me and now I have shared what was dwelling in my mind. Keep on rockin in the free world. Ninjas unite!

Friday, February 11, 2005

intelligent design

Currently, some parts of the United States are discussing the merits of teaching "intelligent design" as an alternative to evolution. The intelligent design argument is based on the concept that the world and all its parts are so complex that they, statistically, could not have come together as they have. Therefore it must have been by design, theretofore there must be a designer, hence God is real. Although I believe in a higher power, a discussion for another time, I am not convinced of the intelligent design argument for the following reasons:

1. Bill Gates is a smart guy. Bill Gates makes lots of money. Bill Gates sends out updates every so often to fix the problems in the universe he created. So where is the update to earth 1.0(beta)?

2. If the world has a designer, why did he make the healthy things taste bad and unhealthy taste good? If he was half as smart as a lowly advertising executive he would have made broccoli as addictive as crack.

3. If the human body was designed, why must we wipe are our ass blind? would it not have made more sense to allow us to look and make sure the area was all clear, instead of the guess and test method.

4. How come when you have to shit really bad all that comes out is a little pebble?

5. Why not give humans the ability to control where the fat goes. I am sure I can apportion it more efficiently then it currently is.

6. Video games have power meters to let you know how close you are to death. Where is the real life one? That way we could abuse the body and then see how long one needs to recuperate until everything is fine again.

This is a partial list and will be updated as necessary. I encourage you to post thoughts in the comments and they will be added to the post.

off to push out the pebble,

Coming next- Darwin and alcohol what the experts don't tell you.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

50 bucks to Freeball.

The Virginia Legislature has passed a bill that will fine people for the indecent display of underwear. Here is an explanation of what exactly is being made illegal, clearly this bill is nothing more then public relations puff. If people are unaware of how this bill operates there is potential for deleterious effects for those of us in the ooogling department, those who use public bathrooms, wiggers, and fat horny women.
Here is the "meat" of the legislation:
so the elements of this crime are :
1. It must be committed by a person.
2. In a public place
3. Intentionally wearing underwear
4. Intentionally displaying the underwear below the waist.
5. The underwear must be intended to cover"intimate parts"
6. All of this must be in an indecent manner.

luckily them folks in Virginia ain't too swift and the loop holes here are numerous .
1. Pretend to not be a person. If you are not a person then it does not apply. Most of my friends are now safe.

2. Public places- not much you can do about this. Any good tom foolery occurs in a public place. Consider farting at home by yourself, or in an elevator; elevator is way more entertaining then smelling your own fart and trying to figure out if you have digested the pizza you just ate.

3. Intentionally wearing underwear- this requirement is ripe for defense. The government has to prove that you were intentionally wearing your underwear. This can be difficult to do because you had to form the requisite intent (purpose) in order to make this stick. Therefore if you only wear underwear because :
A. Your wife/ girlfriend made you then it was under coercion and you did not formulate the intent.
B. Your parents made you wear underwear growing up therefore you were conditioned and out of reaction you put on your underwear. Again you failed to formulate the intent, because you did not "on purpose" put on your underwear.

4. Intentionally displaying underwear below the waist- first off where is my waist? Where does it start? Where does it end? If I am in a public bathroom making a poop with the stall door open and my underwear is below my waist- have I violated the law? Assuming the wearing was intentional. Obviously those with the hanging waist in the front, have more leeway to cover up crack in the rear. As this bill operates if you show crack you are ok, but if you cover it with underwear and not pants , you get fined 50 bucks. ( so the plumbers are now safe also).

5. The underwear must be intended to cover the private parts- thank god for this, G-stings are now exempt. Hence all women should turn to wearing them or nothing at all, since such garments are not intended to cover anything. Whereas granny panties are now one step closer to being illegal. (No, no these guys in Virginia are brilliant). There is also an intent problem here, who has to intend the underwear to cover the intimate parts? The manufacturer or the wearer. If it is the wearer then in order to be found guilty one would have to on purpose put on the underwear, on purpose have it be exposed and on purpose make sure it is the kind of underwear that is intended to cover the intimate parts.

6. Lewd and indecent- what in the hell does this mean? The dictionary defines Lewd as
preoccupied with sex and sexual desire; lustful. Obscene; indecent. indecent is defined as offensive to good taste; unseemly. Offensive to public moral values; immodest. So based on the definitions you will be convicted if your exposed underwear is exposed in a manner "preoccupied with sex/sexual desire/ or lustful manner" AND is offensive to good taste. All of this is very subjective. You would get off provided that you have no sexual desire resulting from the exposure of your underwear, that insulates all fat and ugly people from any liability.

So now who could be convicted of this crime: A person in a public place, who on purpose put on their underwear and wears it and intended that the underwear cover their intimate parts and yet who on purpose displayed below their waist. This display is preoccupied with sexual desire and offensive to public morals of someone (who we don't know). Basically, a fat, horny woman wearing granny panties in a public area whose pants have split and she intentionally refuses to patch them up in order to stir sexual desire and lust in both herself or passers-by.

What have we learned from all this?
1. If you don't wear underwear you can't be in trouble.
2. If you don't wear pants then your underwear is considered shorts and shorts are legal.
3. If you must wear underwear make sure it is skimpy, and that you are certain to not arouse offense to morals, or create a tent in a passer-by's pants.
4. Virginia should be culled ASAP (see Lenford q. rockefeller's post).

Below is the full text of the bill - this is real no shitting you.


ON FEBRUARY 4, 2005)

BILL TRACKING REPORT: 2004 Bill Tracking VA H.B. 1981

2004 Bill Text VA H.B. 1981

VERSION: Substituted

VERSION-DATE: February 7, 2005

SYNOPSIS: A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding a section numbered 18.2-387.1, relating to indecent display of below-waist undergarments.

TEXT: Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Virginia:

1. That the Code of Virginia is amended by adding a section numbered 18.2-387.1 as follows:

Howell A


LOAD-DATE: February 9, 2005

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Overlooked People in Society.

Normally I am a results kind of guy, I focus in on the thing that is most responsible for drawing my attention. In a bar it is the boobies, in the mall it is the boobies, and on TV it is the boobies. You see I am a "focuser"; however I have realized that it may be time to expand my field of vision.
It all occurred at a bar, I noticed that the integral part of the band was indeed the triangle/cowbell guy. Now generally such an individual would have been overlooked, with focus being on the guitarist or drummer or bassist or singer or the bartender or the beer. I however, have come to realize that it is the "triangle guy" who really makes things come together, without that crucial "Bing" at that precise moment the entire composition (sometimes known as a song) would falter.

I have decided to call this greater field of vision the "cowbell phenomenon". It can have everyday application for everyone. Think about how society would change if men were to start concentrating on the area commonly known as the face. The "cowbell phenomenon" has the potential to revamp all intersex interactions. The next possible step from this discovery is that those noises coming from the hole located on the lower third of the area above the neck known as the face might actually be considered to be valuable. If time was spent understanding them then maybe plans would get made, dreams fulfilled, and sexual tension relieved. And these overlooked and crucial people, who are made up the area around the breasts and cause the noise to emanate, might be seen to be a contributing force in the world.

Of course I might be mistaken and it might have just been a signal that it was the start of happy hour.


Thinning the herd

Our planet needs some serious donwsizing. We need to eliminate some of the idiots running around this place. we should also eliminate some of the smart kids too, just to be equitable. I walked out of my aprtment today and was amazed that: a) there are a lot of ugly people in my neighbourhood and b) most people are stupid.

Either they dont know how to walk, like to jump in front of moving cars ( i swear i saw 2 people get hit by cars today) or just piss me off on some unknown cellular level. this either means that i am anti-social, or my plan makes complete sense. I vote for the latter.

Also once we decrease the population by say 1/3 or so, there will be way more room on the streets and also less lineups at Subway, so that i can get my lunch when i want it.

finally, with less people, i expect epidemic diseases to increase, allowing me to fulfill my fantasy of being the 21st century version of the Omega Man (ala Charlton Heston). If you do not know this movie, you suck; if you do, you are too smart for you own damn good and should be part of the herd-thinning.

either way, i like fudge.

p.s. if anyone sees my medication, please send it to me ASAP. As this post clearly indicates, i am fucking nuts when off my meds.



Ripped From The Headlines:" Who needs help with a pullout?"

Today, while succumbing to intertia and surfing the internet, instead of productively wasting my time I ran across the following headline: NY-funded group seeks to help with pullout trauma
I am quite curious to know what exactly the article is talking about. Is it a NY-funded group helping people who suffer from "pullout trauma"? This would be curious since most pullouts are followed by an optional cigarette, a possible shower, and a probable nap. Also who is suffering the trauma, the pullout-ee(the person from whom it was pulled out of) or the pullout-or ( the person pulling it out), I think their perspectives might differ.
Or is the NY-funded group, helping some other group of people by employing a method known as "pullout trauma"? This would imply that there are "pullout experts" and "pullout coaches" and "pullout manuals" in fact there might even be "pullout" merchandise. You could even have group pullouts- the possibilities are endless.


Monday, February 07, 2005

The Art of the Drunk Dial

The other day, while conducting my usual internet news survey, I came across the following article in the NY times "The New Social Etiquette: Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk". With such an eye catching headline I decided to see if the conclusions that the article made vindicated my long held views on the subject.
The article portrayed the art of drunk dialing as a negative activity. Further it claimed that those who are the target of such calls would prefer these calls went unmade. I believe that the thoughts and views represented in that article stem from a larger assault on our individual rights by those who believe in big government and that OJ really is guilty.

Before proceeding, in the spirit of biased writing, I must admit that I am a drunk dialer, emailer, and in some instances just plain drunk and unable to email and or dial. Based on my extensive research and experience in all three aspects mentioned above I have come to the following observations.

Firstly, drunk dialing is easier then drunk emailing because typing is not a strong suit of the inebriated. Therefore plan ahead and ensure that all required numbers will be stored in the phone.

Secondly, disable all long distance functions or complicate them sufficiently so that you will be unable to operate them- or even better get a good long distance plan. Nothing worse then making call that you don’t remember then forgetting to hang up the phone and then a month later being reminded of a phone call to the Slavic republic of frozennuts which cost $5/ minute and you did not even get the girls last name.

Thirdly, god has no phone number and 411 charges apply when you ask for it. He also has no address in Mississauga.

Fourthly, all messages left are better when sung. Rhymes are good, but inflection will do.

Fifth, make sure you have more then one topic to discuss with the answer machine. If need be write it down, because you'd be surprised how much can be forgotten between "Hi you've reached" and "leave a message after the beep". Nothing is more disastrous then a blank drunk thought- it is plain obnoxious to not leave a message.

Turning to email, much of what was said above still applies. However there are some unique things that need to be said. 1). do not spell check- it is more confusing then the keyboard. 2). you must hit send, writing an email and not sending it is like reading penthouse for the articles- nobody is getting off on it. 3). do note that email is likely to be sent to the person you did not want it sent to, so if you plan to bash an ex, or someone you dislike- ensure that it is vicious and hurtful 'cause you are only going to get one shot at it.

A well done drunk dial or email will live on for posterity- many of the classics are saved for 21 days on people's voicemail and emails are forwarded for days on end.
If you think you might regret what you do - keep drinking- plausible deniability is crucial to any well schemed drunk plan.

Happy dialing,